I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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