Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
tell your sister to shave her snatch
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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