My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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