i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
