i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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