whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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