He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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