fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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