I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
