what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize