I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
