my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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