Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
