You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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