So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
