I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize