I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
