So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
