I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
