its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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