My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
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