why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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