If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
