That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
