the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize