my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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