If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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