I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I deserve this hangover.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
