I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
