omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
