I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize