How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
