i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
