he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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