Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
