I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
