I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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