I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
