life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
