he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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