I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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