a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
