I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
