I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
