Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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