why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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