Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
