Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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