mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
