I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
