i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
