so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
