How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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