Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
