the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize