I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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