I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Come on in and take your pants off
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