didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
