Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
