My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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