I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
