Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
