I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
