??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
