Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
