New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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