Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
