You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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