I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
