There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
