Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize